


You on Top: The Hard-Core New Success Secret!

by sekaiseifuku



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Crankypants Sanzo, Goku being a dork, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 06:39:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1142713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekaiseifuku/pseuds/sekaiseifuku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: How do you seduce a cranky, trigger-happy monk? Goku wants to try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You on Top: The Hard-Core New Success Secret!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kirathaune](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirathaune/gifts).



> Written for the 2013 [Yuletide Smut Gift Exchange](http://yuletide-smut.dreamwidth.org/).

_Wednesday, 11 December_

There was nothing better in the world, Sanzo imagined, than the first drag of the first smoke in a pack. Combine that with the blessed silence of an empty room and the sharp burn of a mouthful of raksi and he had all the makings of the perfect night in. He wasn't even going to fuck with a newspaper tonight - Sanzo was going to drink, smoke, and not think about a damned thing.

It was going to be the best night in recent memory.

They'd been on the road a long while now and Sanzo could admit to himself that it was beginning to take its toll. He could deal with the harsh conditions. He could deal with the near-constant youkai attacks. He could even deal with the oppressive, psychic press of whatever the hell it was out there causing the world to go to hell. What he couldn't handle was the increasingly erratic behavior of two of the three idiots he'd been saddled with.

Gojyo was pretty much the same as always - a hormonal moron, but not a particularly dangerous one unless you were a female of reproductive age. He'd grown a lot more aggressive in battle, but Sanzo figured that was more a function of his inability to get laid than anything else. Hakkai, on the other hand, was walking around like he was on the verge of a freakout of epic proportions. He scarcely left Gojyo's side long enough to take a shit and at times had a wild look about him that made Sanzo double-check the location of the Smith & Wesson.

Sanzo actually liked Hakkai, although he would put a bullet through anyone's eyes who so much as implied the fact. He really hoped Hakkai would continue keeping his shit together; he didn't want to have to put him down.

And there was Goku.

The monkey had never been a paragon of normal behavior, but there'd always been a certain amount of predictability to his bullshit. Recently, though, Sanzo had begun to entertain the possibility that the idiot might have ventured into the realm of the clinically insane. Or at least gotten knocked across the head one too many times. It was the only thing Sanzo could think of to explain the crazy shit he was getting up to. Shit like showing up to shower in a t-shirt and wandering around in the freezing cold with no pants on. There was also the recent love affair he appeared to have begun with lollipops. And ice cream. And ice candy, again in the freezing fucking cold. Anything Goku could put in his mouth or lick, he'd started enjoying with an enthusiasm that verged on obscene. And he'd actually offered to _share_ with Sanzo.

Sanzo did not want to examine that phenomenon too closely. If he had to spend much more time watching Goku fellating his food, he was going to end up killing someone.

And speak of the devil. The sound of the idiot brigade returning unexpectedly from their outing dropped a big bucket of piss directly on whatever sense of inner calm Sanzo was trying to cultivate.

"There was no way in hell that lady was letting your cockroach hands anywhere near her, asswipe. There ain't a lady in Nepal with taste that bad." The monkey's voice carried up the staircase just as loudly as if he were sitting right beside him. Sanzo didn't know which was louder, the string of insults he was throwing at Gojyo or the clomp of his boots on the hollow wooden stairs.

"...limp dicked, wannabe pervert kappa."

"Goku..." Hakkai admonished, pushing open the door, "...your language."

"You should listen to your Uncle Hakkai, chimp. Those are some big boy words for such a little chibi." Gojyo attempted to lock Goku in a chokehold and was rewarded with a knee to the groin he just barely managed to avoid. "Goddamn it, watch out for the boys. I fucking need those guys!"

"What for? They ain't doin' you no good, you strikeout cockroach!"

Sanzo would have smirked had he not been teetering well on the edge of pissed off.

"What happened to Idiot Errand Night?" They were supposed to have been gone for hours and he was supposed to have had ample opportunity to enjoy some peace and fucking quiet.

"You didn't miss out on nothin', Sanzo." Goku threw a paper shopping bag onto his bed and leaned against the wall, shoving another fucking ice candy - this time red - into his mouth. How the hell did he manage to find those fuckers in the middle of winter in the asscrack of nowhere, Tibet?

"Yes, the shopping street was much smaller than we'd been led to believe," Hakkai said. "And the few restaurants we saw seemed to have extremely questionable sanitary conditions."

"The girls are hotter here, too," Gojyo added.

"Yeah, 'cause gettin' rejected by the ugly ones ain't enough," Goku shot back.

Sanzo watched as the ice candy slid into Goku's mouth and back out again, its tip resting on his bottom lip briefly before Goku's slick, red tongue darted out to lap at it. A rush of electricity skipped along his nerves, pooling into a sense of unease in his stomach.

"Damn, kid," Gojyo said, eyes following the action of Goku's tongue. "You eating that thing or trying to give it head?"

"You wish, pervert."

Sanzo reached across the table and grabbed the newspaper. They hadn't been back two minutes and he'd already had enough of their bullshit.

"Sanzo," Hakkai said quickly, "perhaps you'll change your mind about joining us for dinner?"

"No." Sanzo didn't have to see Hakkai to know he more than likely had that damned annoying look of passive aggressive acceptance on his face. Still, though, supposed it wouldn't be a night if Hakkai wasn't trying to shove food down his throat and that was at least some semblance of normalcy.

"Let the guy get drunk in peace, Hakkai." Gojyo threw his arm around Hakkai's shoulders and guided him toward the door. "If he's up here, he won't be scaring off the ladies, and that means better luck for us!"

"Asshole," Sanzo muttered from behind the paper as twin footsteps made their way down the hall. He expected to hear Goku shutting the door behind them, but instead there was a rustling of paper bags and cloth.

"Hey Sanzo..." Goku began.

"What?"

"I got some new boxers."

"And?"

"Uh ... you wanna check 'em out?"

 _What the fuck?_ It was perhaps the most random, ridiculous thing to have ever come out of Goku's mouth. And considering the source, that was saying a whole hell of a lot.

"Why the hell would I care about your new underwear?"

"Yeah..." There was a pause. "Okay."

He looked over the top of the paper just in time to see Goku quickly shoving said new boxers into his knapsack, which was already threatening to burst at the seams. He darted a look across the paper, directly at Sanzo. If asked, Sanzo wouldn't have known exactly how to describe the expression, but seeing it on the monkey's face was unsettling. It made that thing in his stomach coalesce, forming into something that was mighty fucking dangerous. Something Sanzo had been trying not to deal with for longer than he'd care to admit.

"What?" He was about five seconds away from getting up, slamming him against the wall and demanding to know what the fuck was going on when the expression eased back into Goku's typical idiotic look.

"You sure you don't wanna come down?" Goku said, scratching the back of his neck. "They got charcoal goin' and they're grillin' stuff on it."

"No."

"It smells real good." He drew the last two words out, as if it would actually increase the attractiveness of the offer.

_Idiot._

"I said 'no.' "

"Okay, but you're missin' out."

"I doubt it." Sanzo returned his focus to the weekly agriculture report from sometime last month. "Just go."

"Okay."

As the door closed behind Goku, the blessed sound of silence filled the room again. After a few minutes, however, Sanzo gave up on the paper and grabbed the small cup of raksi next to him. He downed it quickly before pouring himself another. Feeling the slow burn of the alcohol in his throat and stomach, he closed his eyes and took deep breath in, imagining a vast expanse of open sky stretching out above him, clear and empty. He breathed out, releasing everything unessential into the brilliant blue, casting it out of his body with a slow rush of air.

Sanzo sat that way, breathing in and out long enough for the anger to ease and the tension to leave his body. The threat of arousal disappeared as well, but its seed remained planted firmly inside him. And thanks to the power of thoughtful breathing purging all negative thoughts from his mind, it had all the room in the world to grow.

 

\-------------------------------

_Tuesday, 24 December_

Sanzo was grumpier than usual.

This didn't usually faze Goku. Sanzo was pretty much always grumpy and there was something kind of cute about Sanzo's grumpy face. Not that Goku would ever in a million years tell him that. He didn't want to get shot.

But these days, Sanzo was grumpy in a different kind of way and Goku was 99% sure it was his fault. In fact, Sanzo was currently sitting across the table, staring into his beer with a pinched look on his face that had Goku fairly well convinced he was every bit the idiot monkey Sanzo said he was.

"Can I get you gentlemen anything else?" The hot waitress from earlier had been replaced with some bald old guy. Goku figured it was probably because Gojyo'd gotten a little too handsy. Not that Goku particularly cared who waited on them, anyway.

"If you have tea, that would be wonderful," Hakkai said.

"You got any cappuccino?" Goku hadn't much liked them when he'd started drinking them last week, but he found the bitter, creamy taste’d kind of grown on him and he'd been looking forward to this one all day.

"No," Sanzo ground out. "He'll have tea." This was directed at the old guy.

"But what if they got cappuccino?"

"No. Fucking. Cappuccino." In the blink of an eye, Sanzo's mood had shifted from grumpy to practically homicidal.

"Why not?" Goku realized he was sounding whiny, but Sanzo wasn't making any sense! He'd never made an issue of Goku's ordering pretty much whatever he wanted up until now.

"Because I'm not going to sit here for the tenth time this week, watching you get that shit all over your face and attempting to lick it off like a geriatric St. Bernard."

Goku's heart dropped and his face suddenly flushed with embarrassment. Was that really what he looked like?

Sanzo stood up suddenly, his chair making a loud noise in the quiet of the inn's near-abandoned restaurant. "I'm going upstairs."

Goku watched him turn around and head for the staircase, robes billowing behind him as he moved across the restaurant floor. Normally he'd take a second to enjoy the sight of Sanzo in motion, but he was too distracted by the skittery embarrassment that was heating his face and prickling in his extremities.

"Good riddance." Gojyo reached across Sanzo's abandoned plate and grabbed his beer. "Princess Pissypants was ruining a perfectly good evening."

Hakkai pursed his lips, but didn't say a thing.

"You want that cappuccio, kid?" the old guy asked. "We ain't got one of those fancy machines, but I could whip up something close."

"No, that's okay." Goku didn't think he was ever going to want to look at a cappuccino again. "Tea's fine."

"If you have any milk balls, I'm sure they wouldn't go amiss," Hakkai added.

"What the fuck is up with Sanzo anyway?" Gojyo said, lighting a cigarette. "I mean, is it me or has he gotten that much more insufferable the past couple weeks?"

"It's not just you," Hakkai replied. "I will admit to being somewhat worried about Sanzo's state of mind recently. He's never been the most traditionally pleasant of people--"

Gojyo snorted. "You don't gotta say that twice."

"--but yes, he appears much ... moodier ... than normal."

Goku thought it was kind of funny for Hakkai to point that out, seeing how he was pretty moody too sometimes. He didn't say anything though, because saying it wouldn't serve any good purpose. He might be an idiot, but he'd picked up a couple of things since he started living with Sanzo and one of the most important things was that it was sometimes best to keep his big mouth shut.

 _"Less talking, more thinking."_ Sanzo would always say.

Goku'd thought that was pretty good advice, but right now it was seeming like thinking was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place. He poked at the few grains of rice left on his plate.

"Goku," Hakkai began as he began to pour the tea the old guy'd just sat down, "has he said anything to you?"

" He just yells a lot." Goku grabbed one of the milk balls and popped it in his mouth, the sweet taste doing nothing to make him feel better. "But you guys can hear that, right? That and the shots." Sanzo had been awfully trigger-happy recently.

"Maybe he's on the rag," Gojyo suggested, exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Gojyo, please." Hakkai finished pouring the tea and set a cup in front of Goku. "That's not constructive."

Goku closed his eyes briefly and enjoyed the feel of steam on his face. He'd been looking forward to hitting the bath since they'd arrived and since Sanzo wasn't feeling very sociable tonight, he figured he'd might as well head there sooner rather than later.

He opened his eyes to look down into the steaming cup and saw a single tea stem floating in the liquid. Floating _up and down_ , not side to side.

 _Lucky!! Everyone knows it's good luck when a stem floats like this!_ Goku began to open his mouth, to tell Hakkai when he stopped suddenly. _Wait -- it's supposed to be even better luck if you don't tell anyone, right?_

"Is something wrong, Goku?" Hakkai was smiling pleasantly at him, sipping his tea.

"Nah," Goku replied. "Just thinkin' how good it's gonna feel getting to scrub all the dirt and stuff off." He took a slug of his lucky tea, smiling to himself.

He was going to go upstairs and apologize. He was going to apologize to Sanzo for being a stupid monkey and acting like a dumbass. There was no need to go into detail -- he was just going to apologize and everything was going to go back to normal. He had the power of the lucky tea on his side and things were going to be just fine.

The universe proved him wrong not five minutes later when he opened the door to the room he and Sanzo were sharing and saw something that sent his stomach down through his feet and a wave of sheer panic washing over him.

There, sitting at the table next to the fireplace, was Sanzo. He was, unsurprisingly, occupying himself with reading material; however, what he held in his two hands was the last thing in the world Goku expected. The garish cover of the magazine was visible from across the room, print so large he could read it from across the room. It proclaimed to all the world that it was LUXE LADY, the world's premiere magazine for the trendy, adventurous, single woman.

Goku, of course, knew this not from reading the cover just then, but because it had lived in his knapsack for the past month, removed for reading purposes only in the privacy of the washroom or -- on very rare occasion -- when he had his own room. Framing the blonde, bikini-clad cover girl were article teasers so embarrassing that Goku wanted to die just thinking about the fact that Sanzo had seen them.

"Lady Luxe's Kama Sutra: Bad Girl Edition"  
"With a Man Who Doesn't Talk Much? We Have a Cure For That!"  
"Bigger, Better Pleasure - 5 Ways to Get Him, Um, Pumped"  
"Your Orgasm Face: What He's Thinking When He Sees It "  
" _My Gyno Talked to My Vagina_ And Other Doc Shockers!"

And finally, the icing on the cake. In big, hot pink letters just under the girl's boobs was the main cover line:

"69 GUY-APPROVED SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES  
Turn Him On Even From Across the Room!"

Goku was going to die. He was going to spontaneously combust and burn to ashes.

"Jeep's trying to nest again," Sanzo said from behind the magazine, his voice eerily calm. "Your shit is all over the floor."

Goku looked over to his bed and sure enough, Jeep had knocked over his knapsack and pulled practically everything out in search of nesting material. He looked back at Sanzo, who lazily turned the page.

"I don't know what's worse," Sanzo continued after a minute or so of what Goku assumed was reading. "Brain damage or this."

"Huh?" Goku really couldn't manage to piece his thoughts together into anything that made sense.

"Here's one I recognize: _Join him in the shower wearing a t-shirt and give him a private wet t-shirt contest,_ " Sanzo read from the magazine. "For fuck's sake - I thought you'd lost your damned mind."

"Uh..." Goku still didn't quite know what to say. The sense of overwhelming panic was starting to fade and it didn't _look_ like Sanzo was going to try to shoot him again, but the burning shame that remained was almost too much for him to handle. He had never, ever planned on Sanzo finding out about the magazine!

"And then there's the more recent, _Over cappuccinos, 'accidentally' get some foam on the corner of your lip and slowly use your tongue to take it off._ " Sanzo looked at him from over the magazine. "Do you even like those things?"

"Not anymore." Goku wished there’d be an earthquake or a youkai attack or something. He'd even welcome that creeper Ukoku if it meant he didn't have to stand there listening to Sanzo make fun of him.

"Ah, here's another classic: _Share an ice candy with him and when it's your turn, go very slow and use plenty of tongue._ "

"I like ice candy."

"It doesn't say anything about lollipops. Or ice cream."

"I like those too." Goku didn't see anything wrong with eating any of those things, even if he had used a little more tongue than had been strictly necessary. It wasn't like he'd been thinking of Sanzo's dick while he was doing it.

… much.

"Oh, and there's this jewel: _Walk up to him and whisper something naughty in his ear like, 'I'm wearing a new thong tonight. Want to check it out?'_ " Sanzo crumpled up the magazine and threw it directly into the fireplace. "Who the fuck falls for bullshit like this?"

"Obviously not you," Goku mumbled without realizing it.

Sanzo was up out of his chair and moving toward him before Goku realized it. Goku had room to take one step back, then two, before the hard wood of the door connected with his back and Sanzo planted both his hands on either side of Goku's head. The violet of his eyes was stormy, his body was tense, and the energy of his aura crackled around him.

Goku thought there must be something wrong with him, because even with the threat of violence and the shame and embarrassment flooding his body, he was getting more than just a little turned on.

"Let me get this straight, since I've spent the past however many weeks not knowing what the fuck was going on. You have been trying to _seduce_ me." The way he said the word made it seem like the most disgusting, idiotic thing in the world.

"Uh ..."

" _You_ have been trying to seduce _me_."

"Yeah." Goku figured Sanzo had always appreciated the truth.

"And you've been trying to seduce me with bullshit you picked up from a magazine."

"Yeah."

"A magazine for women."

"Well they wanna pick up guys!" Goku blurted. "You're a guy! None of the guy's magazines had articles about seducing guys!"

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. "What the hell made you think I'd want to be seduced?"

That was actually something Goku had thought about a lot. He'd been thinking about it since way before they left Chang'an - actually, since he'd first learned about the possibility of men doing it with each other. At first it seemed like something he could only dream about, but then it started becoming less of a fantasy and more of a possibility. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense that he and Sanzo would eventually do it together, but he couldn't offer anything more solid than--

"I just knew."

Something shifted in the way Sanzo's energy felt around him, the crackling, hard edges began to blur into something less harsh, more like the way he used to be.

"You just knew."

"Yeah." Goku relaxed against the door. He hadn't been physically close enough to Sanzo to feel him like this in a while; it was like the heat of the sun in the middle of winter, only a million times better.

"Everything in that magazine is a load of bullshit."

"Well - you burned it, so it don't much matter."

"Hn." Sanzo looked at him long enough that it should have been uncomfortable, but it wasn't. "There's only one thing you need to know about seducing a guy." There was suddenly a low, sexy quality to Sanzo's voice that made Goku's heart leap into his chest.

"Yeah?"

"You just have to ask."

"Ask what?"

Sanzo leaned in, so close that his hair brushed against Goku's cheek and his breath was warm against Goku's ear. " _Do you want to fuck?_ "

Goku couldn't help the groan that escaped his throat at the feel of Sanzo so close to him, saying the one phrase he had never imagined, never fantasized about in all his many hours of fantasizing about how this could go. He was suddenly harder than he could ever remember being, his dick trapped at an awkward angle.

"Sanzo." He turned his head slightly, trying to to catch Sanzo's gaze. "Can we?"

Sanzo pulled back suddenly, breaking contact and putting a good several inches between them. "Can we what?"

"Do it. Can we do it?" Goku bit back the "please."

"Not with you smelling like a half-dead goat." The look on Sanzo's face made it very clear what he thought about that prospect.

Goku made a mad dash for his stuff scattered across the floor. He grabbed his bathing kit, a pair of clean boxers and a t-shirt, and ran for the door. He stopped briefly, glancing back over his shoulder at Sanzo. "I'll be right back."

\-------------------------------

The shared bath downstairs was nothing fancy. Three spigots, each with its own bench and bucket, and a small, raised tub. Goku sent a prayer of thanks to Three Aspects that there was no one actually there at the moment. It meant he could go quickly and splash as much as he wanted, not having to worry about manners. It also meant he didn't have to worry about hiding his hard-on, either.

He was out of his clothes in record time and parked on the closest of the benches, hair lathered up with shampoo when he heard the door slide open.

_Man, talk about bad timing..._

"You're getting that shit everywhere."

Goku eyes flew open and through the burn of shampoo he could see Sanzo closing the door behind him. The "click" of the lock echoed in the open room and made Goku fumble for the water bucket.

"Sanzo!" He quickly dumped the bucket over his head and filled it up again. "What're you doin' here?"

After the third bucket, Goku'd rinsed enough of the shampoo out of his eyes to be able to open them properly and he was treated to the sight of Sanzo completely naked, folding his clothes and placing them neatly in one of the baskets in the entryway. Sanzo brought his bathing kit and sat it down at the next bench, turning on the water and filling up his own bucket.

Goku'd spent the better part of the whole trip trying to sneak looks at Sanzo while bathing, but this is the first time he'd allowed himself to do it so openly. He watched as Sanzo doused his body and began the process of scrubbing the dirt off. He was stunningly beautiful - like one of those paintings from those books Hakkai'd showed him back in Chang'an.

Goku suddenly started to have second thoughts about this whole thing. What if Sanzo was just humoring him? He didn't know how much experience Sanzo had, but he was so attractive he could have had any number of lovers. Goku'd had zero. What if he wasn't good enough?

"Are you going to finish washing or are you going to sit there staring like an idiot?" Sanzo didn't look directly at him, but Goku could see the pink in his cheeks.

 _He's nervous._ The thought sparked a funny warm feeling that quickly diffused through Goku's body. He suddenly felt not nearly off-kilter as he had mere seconds before. If Sanzo was nervous, it meant he might be thinking the same things too.

And if they were both thinking them, there was no reason for either one of them to be.

Goku grabbed his scrub-towel, lathered it up with a generous amount of soap, and started scrubbing. Sanzo was right -- he did smell pretty bad and it felt pretty awesome getting clean. It also felt pretty awesome when he realized Sanzo was sneaking looks at him out of the corner of his eye. He arched his back in a stretch, remembering Hint #42 from the magazine ( _Arch your back so that your boobs stick out -- he won't be able to tear his eyes away._ ).

He didn't have boobs, but he saw Sanzo looking anyway. _'Bullshit,' my ass._ Goku had to keep himself from grinning. That'd only make Sanzo mad.

Despite having arrived later, Sanzo finished washing himself just before Goku, probably due to a distinct lack of youkai blood under his fingernails. After a thorough rinse, he dug around in his bathing kit and produced a bottle that practically threw at Goku.

"What's this?" Goku caught it easily and looked at the label. "Massage oil? You want a massage?" He wasn't exactly expecting that, but he certainly wasn't opposed.

"No, moron. You're going to need that."

"For what?"

"Oh my god, you cannot be this dense." Sanzo looked like he was about to get up and leave.

Goku thought for a second before it hit him. "Oh."

He'd never entertained the possibility that Sanzo would want _him_ to do it first. He stared at him for a second as Sanzo sat there, flushed and looking more pissed off than turned on. And while most people would take that as a bad sign, Goku recognized this flavor of angry -- he knew all of them by heart, after all.

This kind of angry was the one Sanzo got to hide being embarrassed. And that just wouldn't do.

It was really tempting, the idea of fucking Sanzo in a public bath. Goku could imagine what it would be like, pressing him up against the wall or over the edge of the bath. Their skin would be all slippery and hot, and all the noises Sanzo would make would echo off the tiled walls. But if Goku was going to do this, he wanted to do it right -- and tonight, that meant taking as much time as he could, getting Sanzo so worked up he didn't have to think about being embarrassed any more. That way they could both enjoy it as much as possible.

He stood up quickly, reaching out his hand. "Come on, Sanzo. Let's go upstairs."

They'd have lots of chances to do it quick and dirty. They'd only have one chance to do it from scratch.

Maybe the lucky tea had worked after all.

\--------------------------------------------------------  
Goku's seduction tips were lifted from [this page](http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating-advice/how-to-seduce-a-man) and many article titles were lifted from [here.](http://www.cosmopolitan.com/celebrity/exclusive/cosmo-cover-gallery)

 


End file.
